Reverse Sister Act

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Take a deep knee bend after watching and let that preview settle on you like exploded vacuum cleaner dust. So, Hi this is a great preview for anyone who has ever loved a movie about choirs, which is most people, but it's also a great movie for cop/buddy comedy film fans. Dollbabies Parton is the secret star of this and Her Majesty Queen Tifah is also the star but villain quite possibly. She is channeling Ursula from Lil' Mermaid seems like.

It all started when the guy from the Final Destination 5 preview who has an answer for everything, the know-it-all, gets fresh with Dolly Parton.

Girl, I will kiss you if you let me

Get real, twink

And now here is where the plot starts.

Whoopi and Dolly are like two best friends just trying to work it out violently, to determine who be in charge of the most boring choir in the world.  

Clearly, the choir has good voices at the beginning, which made the writer for this movie forget about how plots work. So, all of the sudden the entire choir tromps onto a stage and everyone in the audience boos them relentlessly with their polite stares. The audience is like Huh?

Dolly then says allow me to introduce you to my boyfriend and grandson, Bruno Mars and his friends The Show Called Glee, respectively. Later on, Bruno Mars gets the Main Girl, Whoopi's son, pregnant. Now his name is Boner, from Growing Pains.

I got some serious hoop dreams for this sing song club, Main Girl.

 Those eyebrows look like smeared caterpillars.

What a cute couple!

Main Girl talks: “Mama, just give me a chance to marry my new boyfriend and I’ll show you how many talent contests I can win! I GOTTA FOLLOW MY DREAMS THAT I HAVE HAD FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW!!!!” 

And Whoopi says, in lowercase...

“your daddy got eaten baby and i am not gonna let my only child get eaten!
you can’t marry that boy and you can’t go to hollywood.”

Main Girl goes... 

Awww, MOM

Boner, who can't plead his case to save his life, just goes...

Pleeeeeeease!

What a Dip Shit.

Hello. Dolly squeaks from the corner, “YOU CAN GO TO DOLLYWOOD THOUGH!”  

Golly goyful hoggie bombs!

Dolly says Hit it boys! over and over and she puts on her pointy Christmas tree lettuce hair and wraps her curtains around her. Then they sing a rap version of How Great Thou Art while she snaps at the air.

5 snaps makes a Z

There’s a cooking montage where Queeny and Dolly are throwing flour around and they both are reminiscing about both being in movies about hair salons together. Woof, sentence was tedious.

FAULTS: 

Ripley's Believe it or Not Elizabethan waist brings sadness to you. 

PLUS SIDES: 

This preview has a shit ton of songs.

Songs include michael jackson, and lady gaga and boyance and phil collins and too short and kidz bopz and now that’s what i call badonkie-bumps and all kinds of recent music that your kids will love for ever and ever.

Oprah got her wig split

Dear the 90s

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Attention Feminists! 

Here you go, women. A movie, finally, just for you! The preview you just saw is called Dear the 90s. It’s important that all the women out there know about the 90s, for your own sake!

In the beginning, Craig, the Craigster (making copies), tells the human sea horse version of Murphy Brown the time, and she wakes up and complains about her life, like we care.  

Next of all, Murphy Brown says, and I quote, As a mother, I am in charge and my husband is a craplord that doesn’t do any of the milking around here!

Girl, you sleepy! Honk shoooo, Honk shoooo, Honk shoooo

All the husbands in this preview don’t raise their children because this is the 50s AND the 90s. Here is Dear God, speaking his tongues, all lazy-like.

Lucy, you got some splaining to do

The men keep forgetting their own child's name, and even Seth Myers is so doofus dum-dum that he thinks twins equals zero children! He hasn’t seen them in weeks. What a lout!

My babies equal nothing.

Corporate women named Carrie Bradshaw are always running in hi-heels, screaming and crying frantically. Sound familiar, ladies? LOL! So, after eleven or so meltdowns, Alley McBeal has to talk to Frasier Krang about her boobs.

She also shows her haunches to Fierce Brosman (ex-James Bong hottie) because they don’t have videophones in the 90s and she is surprised by the new technology, and so falls to the ground a number of times as a result.

I still remember your hind quarters from yesterday.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz 

Then the record scratches and all the women from Sex and the City’s daughters show up and they are like Girrrrrrl How do you do it, who are you, what's your name, and stuff like that. There's red, the blonde, and black hair girl too!

Girrrl, frippa dippa down town!  I'm talkin' bout a good old fashion fumpa dumpa  hoo hoo!

Murphy says, Oh it’s fine I just do my best I guess! I’m drowning, but don’t worry I’ll never kill my children and husband tonight! 

Then she accidentally dumps baby powder on the souffle and has to swiffer mop it while she’s combing nits out of her nasty scalp.  

Huh-uh! Girl, you nasty

In the end, she says her family is her whole life and jobs are less than important when it comes to personal identity... 

But don't tell Frasier Krang that, cause he'll knock her on her ass!




PLUS SIDES: 

How Do She Do This Starring Tyler Perry


FAULTS: 

The part where the babysitter shrugs makes me want to peel that babysitter’s skin off.

I chopped your baby's fur 

The Grumpy Robots

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

In this preview Wolvee gets back into fighting for once. He is a punching guru that sucks at fighting in the alley, but rules at pretend fighting the air while a robot does all the real fighting next door to him.

weird sneeze

wax on

 

John Locke from Lost plays a girl in this preview, to show his acting chops.  

We must press the button...on the robot... robot in a hatch? I don't...Where is the smoke.

AACTINGGGAAAAAAAAAAA

John and Wolvee have their weekly make-out sesh, and that’s when John’s bratty kid comes in, covered in mud, screeching about robots.

I want to give birth to a robo-bot.

The muddy child throws Jack Human’s keys downt the well and Jack gets pissed off.  

drop her downt

After Jack allows a robot to wail on the kid out of revenge, they go to Radio Shack storage garage of the future, and look through all the toaster cadavers. Then they uncover something on the mud floor and they realize that a big robot grave is right under there, of course!  So the kid sticks his grubby hands in the robot's mouf.

love at first bite.

They drag iron giant’s rotted body in a wagon down the street like a goddamn corpse parade and then mud baby decides to hose him off.  At that point, you can tell that he is in love with his new transformer and can’t wait to see its head get smashed in.  They named it The Robot Friendbert B. Sputter Chump, Adam for short.

here you go, rusty, eat my waters.

Now they have to go to the applestore and buy the robot iPunch so it can be upgraded to be a lean mean fighting machine n’ grille. Also, they have to show it how to dress up in clothes and say slang words so it fits in at school. They make it watch hours of TV so it learns how to dance for the prom.  

Milla Jojovich reprises her role from Fifth Element to mentor the robot on how to learn human culture, and says shit like bahtzubaht, like, a lot. Then Nell comes in and says Fro' tye Maw waw wi'a Law, Nell done come lone, and the crowd goes bonkers.

NELLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friendbert learns how to do the hip thrust dance and does a hula hoop motion while he drags his knuckles on the ground like an ape.  

At the end of the preview, Adam break-dances and they use his clumsiness in his favor! Turns out his dancing ends up killing everyone in the room. It’s a putrid bloodbath of severed heads and arms, the walls spattered with human gore and insides. But it’s done tastefully.


FAULTS: 
Wolvee is always on his cell phone and ignoring Anakin, how wude.

PLUS SIDES:
Jack Human does several impressions of John Kerry's Rubberface routine.

hhhhhhhhh

iiiiiiiii?

gabba gabba hey!

The Shoot 'Em Up Windows

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

 

This preview is based on a real true story called The Shoot ‘Em Up Windows. 

Somehow

Every window in this preview gets killed.

Fragged!

Headshot!

Pwnd!

And truth is stranger than fiction, which you can tell by how many times it takes to watch this preview before understanding anything at all.

By 24 seconds in, MTV has taken over directing this preview. Lots of incredibly fast cuts so you don’t see how old everyone is or who anyone is or how all the characters are tied together.

Here comes Crank, a real Frank N. Stein, acting like a Classic Red Ass, natch. Fuggetaboutit. 

Crankystein

Robert Dinero plays a Focker again, since he knows his fans don’t care that he plays the same role in every movie preview, cause they dum-dums. Except in the Osmosis Jones preview where he plays a gay shark, and in the Flawless preview where he plays a flawless-looking Michael Caine with a lisp.

Focker w/gun, his natural state

Finally Clive, the Hunk, steps in and says enough with the violence already!  He is sitting at a conference table with all the other important white men, and they roll stray, high-caliber bullets around like checkers ‘n coins, which is a game old guys play when they’re bored at each other.  

Checker mate. I'm bored.

Crank, the idiot, plays Dinero’s son, and is threatening to steal Hunk’s job from him. Hunk is like, look fella, I kidnapped your grandpa Robert Dinero to teach you a lesson and basically I will end his life so crazily that you’ll have to glue his bones back together to make it look like a person again for the funeral photos. Then he sends him a reference photo of pureed tomato sauce to really get the point across, which rhymes.

Funeral jpeg

Turkish shows up and starts talkin’ with marbles in his mouth.  He says, “Hear viss numba alright and we’ve netta formidda INDA rivfffvvvvvvv rizza! bumma affidavit for this, yeah?”   

Turkish

Then punch punch punch, punch punch. Hunk points his gun everywhere, always as a gorgeous curl meanders lazily down the side of his indefectible face, and his sloppy mustache drips into his goddamn mouth.

Hunk splats some Karo syrup on Crank’s face, which is still perfectly 5 o’clock-shadowed from all the other previews he’s been in! Then Crank gets his butt all caught in a sticky chair...

...Rubber prop sticky chair, seatless model...

...before jumping out of a Movie Glass window without hesitation (killing it in the process), 

Noob window!

...as if he knows there’s a giant box truck placed conveniently underneath to take the chair off for him!

Frogger Fail

Before the end of the preview happens, you’re like “Where's the money,” cause you knew this preview was missing the metal-briefcase-filled-with-stacks-of-bills thing, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.

Here it is.

Text 909209 to vote for the winner!