The Addams Family

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Beetlejuice plays Barnaby Cullen, a ripoff of the character Ed Cullen from the Twilight miniseries, and The Ed Sullivan Show. Both those shows was also about witches and stuff, just like this one. 

John Depp rises from the gwave to create a smash hit of a preview named "The Addams Family." It's about time this important issue of 'pires made it to the silver screen again. It's been 45 days since anything was written or filmed about 'pires. This preview is all about how John Depp got turned into an umpire.

SAAAAAAAAFFE

When John wakes up from his little bed, Fred Krueger tells him it's, like, the 70s, man.

Trance Hell Vanilla 6-5000

Let's jump right into the jokes, and then move on to the real-feel of the 1970s vibe that you can expect to find here. For example, a 12 year old girl notices John acting like as if he has smoked a weed. She's a very brash woman and just comes right out with it: "lol what are you smoking, wacky taffy?" It's funny cause it ain't even got invented yet, the wacky taffy. Bill Wonka.

Oh, you fancy, huh?

Next of all, we can see that John's bangs have gotten curled across his forehead, 

shining brightly, and into the shape of several perfect, gleaming, yellow crescent 

rolls. His hairs look a little too Frank-N-Stein, which is a mixing of stories! 

Get your facts straight! Where's Myth Bursters when you need them lol.

Three bites and you're out.

John the Umpire decides to go rolling around his house with the witch that stole his life since he thought she seemed nice enough. They crash around the house, and into the set of That 70s Shoe. Lava lamps start flying around the room cause they are getting "turned on," which is one of several subtle jokes about lights being turned on. It really takes a seasoned comedic pallet to understand these references. It's like reading The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot. You might even want to bring that book with you into the theater. "Bring a book," raves Pre-Preview. 

PLUS SIDES:

Tom Burton is the director and lunchtime attendant for this hard-hitting, important film about an umpire learning the value of technology in the face of that brat the witch.

Girl got a nice tube

FAULTS:

Not enough "going into town" scenes in this preview. Would have liked to see him run into a "redneck" or a "bible humper." Golden opportunity missed!

The Learned Bunch

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Hi donkeys.

So anyway, this is a killer cast. All the men and women have returned to high school for another paycheck. The main guy is Brendan, and his girlfriend had a baby together it looks like. They make it shut up by bouncing. I dunno, I don't really get the joke here.

Wrong aspect ratio; do you guys care?

Smarty pants Jim with his smarty pants wife Willow are getting ready to have a scholarly adventure together. They go 2, how you say, back 2 school lol. Both are incredibly axcited to throw their kid in the trashcan and run out the door to experience all the embarrassment of high school again.

Nap Attack!

All the gang are going to be there, too! We got Fletch, Cindy, Gorba, Dempsey. Now here come Stiffers, Pie, The Mom, and So Much More. They all meet up and can't believe their eyes because at least one or two of them got married and some of them haven't.

You are missing two taste buds right here. 

The one guy named Stuffer goes to the beach party and stalks all the girls with his snake face and ends up trapping them in his basement. (Implied.)

Stiffers can't tell the difference between angry and happy.

Several hilarious guest stars appear including everyone's favorite the flute, Eugene Levis, Hard & Kumar, and Zero Black People. In this picture, they finally reveal exactly what fruits go into an American Pie. Hey guys, Highly Titular Moment!!! (Amber alert: It's pa-pie-ya! ;^)

Can't believe I'm 48-years-old.

Not all of the gang is happy though cause it turns out that The Dad Eugene Levis never even drank before. He gets so drunk that his eyebrows crawl off his face into his esophagus. The Mom has to give him a sexy CPR. Well, he was faking it the whole time, but she didn't know that! All of his internals filled with air so he had to be cut open.  "American Funeral" is the name of the DVD chapter, so just skip to that and you'll find out that someone accidentally has sex at the funeral with their eyes closed and then the light of day sheds upon the fact that it was the corpse the whole time and Stuffers' hair turns white and he can't talk anymore!

The camera pans up to the open casket and Eugene Levis is in there and he's got his eyes closed like he's dead. He pops his eyes open and says "Arrivederci!" in to the cam era like Mario. Pretty sad ending.

I died my eyebrowns.

PLUS SIDES:

There is not a moment of silence the entire time. No pauses in between words or jokes. Constant screaming fills other gaps.

BAD PART:

Uncredited guest star Anna Ferris comes out of the woodwork as Girl Bleeding From Throat.

Brade

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

I'm going to break character for a post here to say that we here at Pre-Preview enjoy making fun of the Typical Hollywood Trailer as well as the Typical Hollywood Movie. It's very easy. 

These days, it seems like only Coen Brothers movie trailers ever get me excited. Maybe a few others too, but few and far between. Trailers are a little sub-genre that I used to obsess over. Now I make fun of them.

Anyway, the new Flixstar movie coming in June, called Brade, had a new preview premiere online yesterday or today or whenever. It rules. It's actually so good. This is the way movie trailers should be.