Dolphin Junk

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Mmmk, first off, Cold Play’s music starts playing, so you know this is going to be good. Norman Freeman’s voice is telling us some things. He explains that the earth is evolving and things are totally lame most of the time. But unless you find a used-up Dolphin on the goddamn ground, your life is going to be hopeless and ordinary. 

Recycled dolphin rope

Child Clay Aiken, a total fruitcake, is out for his morning jog on the beach, and he sees the animatronic Dolphin getting sand in its eyes. So the kid goes up to the Dolphin and shakes his hand and stuff, but notices a peculiarity. After staring at the problem for an hour, he finally is able to take the lobster trap off the dude’s Snout, thank God, cause PETA is watching.  

Enter my favorite actor, the sheriff of the Marine Animal Stranding Team (M.A.S.T.), which sounds a little bit fake! I forget his name, but he was in the Copycat preview back in, like, 1975.

So he comes in all harried and panicky and tries to CPR the Dolphin, but it’s no use: He can’t kill it.

It survived...

The guards at M.A.S.T. order the Dolphin, called Hazelnuts, to swim around and survive in an above-ground swimming pool, which would be courageous enough as it is, if Harry Junior didn’t go pee-pee in it first. 
  

Pouring pee-pee

Hellish armed guard, very oppressive

Baby Aiken and the guards set up a blind date between the dolphin manager and Norman Freeman. They are seeking advice on how to strap a prosthetic leg on the Dolphin’s butt, which is great because Norman is the world’s leading expert on Extra Dolphin Legs. 

Norman's eyelids are lined with Kennedy coins

 

He puts the prosthetic together with mid-century modern, teak salad tongs that go for, like, a ton on eBay.

Steampunk Etsy prosthesis

After that, about 11 more adults show up and start talking about how kids should go to school and stop trying to save dolphins. 

Then a man shows up that has a brace on his leg and touches the dolphin’s mouf as a way of absorbing its healing powers probably. Turns out, he is the one that chomped off the doggie’s fin in order to put it on his own foot. So, there's that.

There’s a little girl in this preview who has a sister named Ashley Judd, a shit-for-brains.

She cries a lot, the big baby.

Guuurgle

bbbbplllllrrrr

rraaaaahhhhh

It looks like Ashley Judd and Harry Junior will most definitely dislike each other at first, but then they will you-know-what in the last scene, wink-wink, have sex! LOL.  

LOL!

So anyway, an ancient wise man tells Harry Junior that Hazelnuts means a lot to this town, like as if he didn’t know that already! Then a hurricane comes in and blows out the power, which means Hazelnuts’ water filtration system will break and you’re supposed to think he’s going to die, but the problem is very very short-lived because this preview is by the same people who brought you the Blind Side, fercripessakes.

It'll be alright, idiots! In case you were worried!

There’s a lot of songs about Soul Sisters in this preview and lots of music that sounds like big cymbal crashes and long, held out notes that make your heart soar and your ears sore. None of the adults really care about saving the animal because they are busy, but kids are the True Heroes who teach all the adults how to love a manx dolphin. 

Manx

Then the boy proposes to the Dolphin since they are best friends.

And then he falls downt into the water, the fruitcake.

 

LOL!