Eddie Murphy and the Dummies

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

This movie is called Eddie Murphy and the Dummies. It is the same plot as Trading Places. 

Kernal Klinger from MASH plays Bernie Maff, the guy who got caught a couple years ago stealing wallets from rich people and giving them to other rich people. What a Robert Hoodlum. 

Why I ought to!

Ben Stiller, the old hoss, finds out about it on account of him working at a hotel with a coupla other Nancies who don’t know shit about anything, stealing included! The Nancies are Ferris Bueller and Ben Afflack’s Brother. They all used to run a daycare center together in a previous movie I think. 

Mommy Daycare

Baby Daycare

Andy Capp Hot Fries

So the Good Guys have a secret meeting and get mad and all-stewed-up while Klinger swims in his Dollar Bill Pool, but they freely gave all their money to the rich old guy like idiots, so why are they complaining. They decide that its time that they steal back all the money that they invested because they believe in wealth redistribution whenever they get broke, but believe in capitalism whenever they are doing well financially.  (There is a ton of political subtext in this film.)  

We openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. Let's go physically overpower a senior citizen on the roof.

When we get rich, fuggetaboutit.

They want to kill Bernie for his money, but the main problem is the hotel they work at is loaded with booby traps, which is where Bernie is vacationing, so it’ll be hard to commit murder on him. Enter Eddie Murphy. Remember him? From the title? They need an assassin, so fast forward to Ben Stiller paying Murphy’s rent for him in jail. Here's their conversation, verbatim.



Murphy's like:

Who Are You.

Stiller goes:

Don't You Remember Me.

Murphy says:

Are You Trying To Steal Twenty Million Dollars and Kill a Man.

Stiller's all:

Yes.

So, some other junk happens like they commit several felonies and talk in the snow on the roof. Murphy prepares them for War and they place War Paint upon their bodies. 

Next of all, Precious, whom I keep accidentally calling “Previous” because I am typing this fast. Previous comes in and has the worst Jamaican accent I’ve ever heard. Including Eddie Murphy’s accent. Which is also Jamaican. 

Irie, mon.

Ben Afflack and the woman from the The Family Man preview probably end up getting married toward the end and then they all jump into that pool from before that’s shaped like money.  

Ay. I'm gonna marry ya, see.

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough plays at full blast and the credits roll next to a blooper reel of Precious and Eddie Murphy aggressively flirting.  Everyone screams and howls at the joke of the idea of a woman like Precious being an object of affection.  

Then Ben Stiller falls down hard on the ground and looks like he’s having an instant nightmare.

Nude @ school

FAULTS:

Turns out, the characters keep accidentally slipping back into their old characters’ personae and it gets really difficult to remember what movie you are watching.  

PLUS SIDES:

There is a dance sequence where Ben Stiller is dressed up like a dance instructor because that is part of the heist plan. Lots of costume changes where people wear glasses and look completely different. Eddie Murphy plays all the characters.

The Invisible Scaries

Directions:  Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Starbucks fans rejoice! You get to see some new letters. 

The city: London & Moscow and some others. Where the Guys take all the Girls out to the club where a bunch of models are dancing and taking very high-quality Internet social media pictures of each other. That’s where the fun ends! Cause then all the lights go off and we, the viewers, have to look at a blank screen for, like, ever, wasting our lives.

Oh, Hell Na

5 baby teenagers are drinkin’ the blues away, and I think it is implied that the flash on the camera caused it. But then you’re supposed to realize that bunch of laser beams start to float down from outer-space. The jellyfish fall from the sky and then the lights go back on (?), and the guy on the radio goes “Huh? This sucks,” which is the viewer’s cue to go “Oh, hell naw.” Glass turns into water when it shatters and Cops turn into shattered Oreos. Even the cop’s “William Club” crumbles into the wind during this phase. Then all the lights go off again! This preview is confusing!

RIP Willam

People start to get shredded by the sound of connecting to AOL. Okay, it turns out there are a whole bunch of invisible scaries who want to look at humans’ muscles through Predator eyes. They have Phase 1 called Take Whatever We Want. They got Phase 2 called Eat Lightbulbs. Phase 3 is called Turn the Dogs Into Spiral Graph Dust. 

So, natch, the drunk teens start to kill the jellyfish by using regular ghostbuster guns. 


Here are the ways they kill the Scaries: 1) Put a lightbulb on the ground. 2) Shoot an unwieldy gun. That’s pretty much it!

Faults:
Too many shots of human innards.

Energy meats.

Too many main characters. 5 is too many. It just means that 4 will die and the main guy will scream at the jellyfish and use some sort of horrible phrase like “this is for that dog...(get cut off by sound of proton streams crossing.)


Plus Sides:
Cop Cars are good for wigglin’ under when you are together with your man!

The Hook Up Deal

Alt. Titles: Friends With Benefits, FWB, Friends Without Borders, We’re Practically Not Dating

Starring:  Miley Kunis, Justin Tumblerlake

Directions:  Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

Whoa, cool! This one starts with a bang cause there’s a wolf howling on the soundtrack. Mila Konehead is pissed because the guy from the Hot Rod preview is dumping her, and the red girl breaks the heart of Timberlake-- but no hell breaks loose AT ALL, which is boring. JT just makes a few noises and grumbles his way home.

Now we shall stop dating.

uuuuooohhggrrrmmmmm

whoo????

Then the Main Characters start to bitch at one another about their opposite sex issues like weaklings.

They are at a breakfast house and they are gnashing their teeth on some corn or something and they both make a joke about their crippling human conditions.  At this point you can tell that Konehead would like to feel dead inside.  Timberwolves agrees to this and applauds her lifeless eyes.

Adam Sandler told me I been dump'd.

What’s cool about this is that they make a pact and swear to the iPad, because in 5 years, that won’t be an embarrassing reference. THEN, here is where the HOT stuff happens: they “shake hands.”  

Sweet 'pad ref.

Afterwards, the old lady comes in and touches Justin’s private torso area, then makes a joke about how they feel like a woman’s? I’m confused by this part, someone explain.

Your body is a woman's body.

Woody from Cheers shaves three bald patches into his egg and makes gay jokes about his own realistic-sounding gay sexual orientation.  He shows Justin how to love again.  This is followed by the yellow haired lady from the Krippendorf’s Tribe preview showing Konehead the pictures of Justin’s braidhorns.  

"Queerly, I am gay." - Woody 1951-2011

Then Konehead finds out JT loves rapping rap songs and bobbing his head like a little goose.

Hottie goose wobble like a chicken.

Then Justin belches raps out of his face in order to woo her back from the brink of neutered affection. Konehead agrees with his raps and asks him to sing directly into her mouth and then later on they do a cool-guy chest bump.

Miley struggles to keep all her barf in as he sings into her mouth.

Faults:



Chest bump dumb. Don’t even watch that part at all.


This is the longest Aeropostale commercial I’ve ever seen.


Konehead doesn’t have any lines in this preview.  She just stares like a wild mantis into JT’s under garments.



Plus Sides (with SPOILER ALERTS):

Koneysauce forgets that she has death on her breath and decides to love a curly haired goof-em-up! Unfortunately, there is a really sad ending called Miley commits suicide.

Spoiled Alert: Miley Konehead jumps to her death. 

Footloose (re-do)

Directions:  Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump.

This preview starts off with a rock n roll song and then a bus crash happens, which makes the viewer depressed cause all the car trash is all over the ground. This old idiot comes on the screen and talks about how sad he is, followed by a judge who determines that there’s no dancing allowed anywhere in Bomont Proper.

Bomont and future bus explosion candidate

One of the main guys, called The Dad, has a daughter, named Footloose, and she is just not gonna take it anymore.  

Miley Cyrus is pissed at Dad.

Then the sun rises and Kiss Me by Natalie Ambrosia plays on the soundtrack. The guy, REN, comes to town and wears all sorts of neckties and always says “Move over, I got this” to people, then he stomps the yard real good. 

Footloose thinks Ren’s cute, Ren meets a guy who says he talks funny, Willard, he asks Willard about Footloose and what kinda things she’s into and who is Dad and what is Williard's name again and so on. After about an hour of hand shaking, and re-introductions, Ren finally meets up with even more characters that need to be introduced. So, Willard and Kevin Bacon become really good friends even though they kinda wanna fight each other but end up dancing several times in the hall.

Your voice sounds like shit.

Which one are you again?

Act III begins with a rap song, and things get up-to-date real quick. People do spins and flip-kicks. Kevin Bacon makes his body back-flip off a Toyota Tacoma!  Then, he gets a brand new Volkswagon Bug and the gas pedal doesn’t exist on the car, so that makes the needle on the record player kinda scratch and you’re supposed to think that sucks.

Sike, turns out it's a nast old uggo car.

The Dad (Randy Quinn) is a real drag to his daughter and says he’s “heard he’s trouble,” which is foreshadowance. In the original movie, John Lithgow kills Ren so I think that’s what they mean here in this movie. I think Kiss Me plays again at this point, but I can’t remember.

Kiss Me is playing for the fourth time.

Faults:

Ren confronts the judges and then there’s a montage of a train and some explosions.

During the "bus-off", so many bus explosions occur that they have to cut to a guy smashing a window with a crowbar just to break up the monotony of how many buses explode.  

Plus Sides:
Lots of good moral lessons. Turns out a couple years ago, after a barn dance, some dumb kids got their car split down the middle on the highway.  After their heads got crushed and cracked on the pavement, they made a shrine at the school to remind everyone how soft human heads are.  The Dad doesn’t want Footloose to lose her noodle all over the pavement.

SPOILER ALERT: FOOTLOOSE DIES AT THE END

Overall, this film looks like a good warning against dancing. Because, clearly, it was dancing that killed those teens those many years ago, and not drunk driving.


Let's go see this movie now okay!

Final Destination 5

Directions:  Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. Review after the jump. 

First, it’s important to know that mW’s are a tricky thing.  Exceeding them above 5.0 makes it so your eyebulb goes splat. 


Now, of course, the machine needs to go up that high in case the doctor runs into a real tough eye that doesn’t take well to laser beams, and has to be right back so he can talk at his person helping him. 
Leaving a person’s eye clamped open is a regular doctor move and causes the teddy bear to fall on the ground.  Just to be clear.

This movie looks like it stars the old sage black guy who I think I’ve seen before in some sort of horror movie, also stars Todd Packer, and a bunch of young white people who we’ll never ever see again in any other Hollywood production, probably. And there is a second black guy who is the detective or something and he says “There’s an answer for everything.” 

One of these guys seems to have wisdom about death and Final Destination movies.  This is very crucial to keeping within the character stereotypes that are softly offensive.  There is also a lot of good female typing. Did you know that all females above the age of 25 carry teddy bears to doctor’s offices?  Final Destination got it down pat on this one.

Teddy Bear, yall got dropped to death.

 Here is where Todd Packer dies from oil face at minute 1:14.




 
This is important to note, because as it turns out (spoiler alert!) he is alive and standing behind the scared guy’s reaction shot, just a mere fraction of a second later.  This is to show the unpredictable nature of death.

a-tack.

And then later on we get to see a (possible) death by thumbtack on the balance beam (minute 1:25) and then a (possible) death by dish washing tub cause the guy knocked her over and it kinda fell on her.

tub

This preview talks about all sorts of ways that a person dies when they are just sitting still.  Toward the end, there is an implication that flimsy accu-weather needles can stab through a person chest bones, and pierce their organs and internal supple bodies.  Believe it or not, this really does kill thousands of people a day.  Please donate to needle survivors fund at the bottom of your screen.

Text Needle Death to 299201

Faults:

Harry Potter looking “August” explodes at the end, which takes you out of the reality of the film preview.

Bridge falls a part and is put back together in the next shot i think.  Continuity error alert!

Doctor gets an incomplete file from nurse.  Fake.

hold on BRB

Plus Side:

Got that Blackish, Greenish, Redish, chrome going on in the film’s coloring.  Gives it a nice antique Matrix feel.

ALL IN ALL, A GREAT MOVIE THAT I'M GONNA SEE NEXT WEEK, PROBBY.