Ocean Sky Scraper

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

The ocean, it turns out, is a pretty decent place to hide if you’re a massive alien mothership waiting patiently for Liam Neeson’s army buddy to come turn on your hull. 

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Aliens often go to remote locations to get some shut eye, waiting out the agonizing eons that it takes for one hapless military team to finally come in and get killed for an hour and a half of screen time. 

"El Blanco, the main Tremor, is back and this time it's underwater" is the tagline

Generally speaking, aliens only attack humans when they are investigating. Remember in the preview called Alien when Sojourner Truth investigated the alien? She wanted it to just show its face from inside the chest cage and then Boom! Insides ripped into a star burst shape.

You can tell this preview is going to be loud by how many high tech gadgets and down periscopes there are. 

This preview is from Hasbro®, the same people who brought you Transformers® starring John Turturro. Hasbro is also a video game company from, like, the 80’s, and they had Frog Lady®, Lazy Hamburger®, and Eek Help Spike Oh No Molly® as part of their game repertoire back then. So you know this is probably going to be pretty good. Hasbro® also makes a good gummy bear that tastes like a Pink Pet®.

Liam Neeson plays a broken down, lonely old cop who is sponsoring an international war games tournament. During the ‘ment, the team from USA locates a skyscraper in the middle of the water, like no biggie. Everyone is totally freaked about it being there, and the military emails a bunch of design blogs about its odd architectural origin. This is all they came up with:

Soon alien airplanes start zipping around the sky, which are piloted by large housecats in Halo suits. The bad guys shoot their lasers at the Battleships and kill a couple. The USA can’t shoot back because the aliens have a big bubble surrounding them that deflects all their arrows. The bubble is made out of invisible fire that turns airplanes into scratch-off ticket debris. 

Rihanna fails to penetrate El Blanco's supple skin

 
Everyone realizes that their only hope is the Battleships inside the Matrix training bubble. They are equipped to blast music to intimidate the aliens probably. They play things like Stuck in the Middle With You by Steve Miller’s Band, and Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Alien Man by Arlo Guthrie. These songs really get them revved up to sink each others Battleship, which is a highly titular moment.



PLUS SIDES: 

This film is sponsored by Burt’s Bees.


FAULTS:

After the preview is a ten minute documentary about overfishing in the oceans starring Tim Tebow.  

  

Remembering Chandler

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

The interchangeable, run of the mill actor from the GI Joe preview stars in this show with the actress who was in Wedding Crashers and some other sad movies. She grew her hair out since she was a baby, so here it’s at the desired length she was going for, seems like.

Rachel McAdams

W.C. Fields

Anyway, these two are on a snow car adventure, and they stop in the middle of a Totally Dark Road at 3 am to sneak a kiss and hang out for an hour or two. Well, that’s when a dump truck crumples into their back seat and makes the girl’s head go a little bit bananas.

Saab Fail

The reveal where we first learn that she thinks Chandler Tatum is her doctor and not her husband will make you cry, but that's because you’re sitting right next to the onion bowl, you idiot. Her disease is called amnesia, and every character in every other movie has it too, so she’ll have a ton of support.

Not a ghost yet

Chandler fist fights with a lot of people in order to convince them to let him control her life. When he loses that court case the judge orders her ex-lover Randall be risen from the grave to take over longing for her. 

Rise from your Grave, altered beast

So, Randall teaches Chandler how to date his wife, and they actually have a really cute relation ship together. 

Ungh

Later on, they get into a staring contest and Chandler’s contact pops out after the contest ends because he gets socked in the eye bulb by Randall, the devil. Now Chandler can say Do you see what he did? to her while pointing to his eye, and she’ll choose HIM out of respect for taking the punch, I guess.  

"Take dat punch boyee"

FAULTS:

I spied Sam Neill from JP III in this preview. How come he dint have more words to say?



PLUS SIDES:

Lot of nice smiles in this preview instead of words.  

Adventures in Bro-bysitting

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Jonah Hill can’t talk his way outta this one! Even though he is a gifted talker/man child, this male babysitter constantly makes people go, “What are YOU talking bout!” in this classic Whodunit of Babysitting. 

Did you dun it?

The star of this joint flexes his acting muscles, finally, and really branches out. Later on during the football game, when the military commercial happens, he calls you a noob, lol. 

The plot go like this: the guy don't wanna answer mommy's cell phone, so she sends him up the river to an old ma'am's house, which turns out to be a loony bin for small people. 

Welcome to my bin, babe

He doesn't really unnerstand anything about these smaller people, and he really talks down to them like they're babies or something. This is when I figured out he was the bad guy. Spoiler event. Well, anyway, so these children though; at some point he tells a goth child that he bets she can’t make him drink perfumes. Guess what happens! She cuts his throat open and all the sins come out lol.

The guy will nearly kill these children during his own quest for love, turns out. But luckily, there are people named Jonas that will make sure your babies are laffing the whole time that they are almost murdered. Here are the scamps now.

William

Jefferson

Hillary

Jonsey gets a rude awakening several times throughout this movie. He keeps doing some serious double takes and going who???? WHOooo????? Then he falls asleep and SNORES so loud that the babies put cheerios down his throat to make a flute noise happen, and they push on his stomach to change notes. It’s a really moving piece of music that they compose. iTunes download $4.99.

Steep price but worth it.

Anyhoo! Jonahs cumber bun keeps flipping up and hitting him in the face in between unscripted-sounding charm. At the end, the parents go “So did you kids have fun tonight?” And the one kid starts barfing glitter all over the rug, and the girl has a neck tattoo of the night they just had.


FAULTS: 

This movie is awarding to bad behavior.


PLUS SIDES:  

Lots of moments.

Damn Dame

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Email the downtown rags, newspapers, extry extry read all about it: This damn dame has two many boyfriends!

 

President’s Day Weekend is about to get tricked out. This film, which premieres on President’s Day Weekend 2012! is an inside look at what happens when the CIA falls in love with the same dame. 


The CIA, played by two bros, are fallin’ hard for this Peppy Pepperson-type.

After they work on their emails, they both sit down and start talking about who will claim ownership of her, who can win her in a contest of secret war, and all that kind of stuff. The Pepperson girl, what's her name, is who they're talking about. 

Then the bros flirt together for a little bit and play this cute laptop game where they show each other what kind of stuff they like to look at on the internet.

Well it turns out they both like to look at Royce Witherspoon!

They don’t want each others’ fruity cologne to stink the air after they are each at her house, kissing her lips. One time, I guess they DO smell it and go apeshit. They throw each other hard enough to end life as we know it! The one gentleman who was in the Unstoppable preview, about a train, with Donzel Washington; well, he throws a gas tank real hard and tries to explode it, I think!

The other guy isn't fazed at all cause he's confused all the time anyway.

The guy from Unstoppable, Chris Pine I just looked him up, gets a dart thrown at him by his friend, the other guy, you know who I'm talking about?

 

Hey!  I made this dart yesterday at the crafts and dart area of the agency.

A couple things you need to know before proceeding with this preview review:

- Pepperson is caught in the crossfire of the fighting and she gets her body twisted to shreds.

- This film is not yet rated - DOES THIS MEAN THERE IS SOME SERIOUS RAUNCH GOING ON??WHAT!!!  [Ed.note: Turns out it is fine. False alarm! Well, except for the part where...Spoiler Event! She gets real drunk and makes Chelsea Handler...I won’t tell you the rest except to say clean up on aisle

- No actors were used in the making of this film. Only stuntmen, which is cool.


PLUS SIDES:

Girl head bangs for about thirty minutes.

 

FAULTS:

Kirk got his cock blocked

  

 

Xtreme Primo Buzz

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

So! Just blast open a cold refreshing can of Surge soda pop and look at these fixie bike heads.

The jungle: New Yuck City. Lots of bike messengers live a radical life of acrobatics, explosions, crashes, and Xtreme Basic Mail Delivery. They are the messengers of the world, constantly surrounded in a city full of cars that can crush their delicate, supple bodies.

Hang ten, gnarly dude, etc. Shop at Whole Foods, save money

Then Joe Gordon Fisherman, who plays Wilee (no shit), jumps in and says No Stopping 4 No Nothing Ever, as he gets killed 11 consecutive times by the same cab driver, at different times of the day. This part requires several viewings because the first time you watch, you're too busy making your mouth smile over it's Xtreme Stupidosity.

Here's your boy, smiling like a peeimp. Died 8 times

Then the girl is like You must deliver these pieces of paper or else we’re all dead. 

All crime felons send their ransom notes and million dollar computer chips through Lil' Quickie Fixie Bike Messengers.

And Wilee is like Yeah yeah shut up my itunes are on right now! There’s this one song playing by a cool new york hip band called Yeah Am I Singing This Right, Okay?

Later on, this one guy goes up to the main actor and is like Give me that envelope, kid!! And J. Gordon Wilee says Hey, once its grabbed, its in the bag. By the way you can call me Bro-J, kinda like the actor who stole all that sports memorabilia, which is what he's famous for.

Here's a picture of that exchange:

Both wimps

 
But wait!

SPINNED!

Wilee proceeds to do a fairly kickass 720 spin off the dude’s nose!!!! Then, the guy goes straight into his Curly-getting-mad dance and screams: Do you know who I am, don't you want to know who I am, why I ought to! He continues with this for about 10 minutes, and then picks up an overweight hammer, which makes him fall backwards into a pothole cause he can't lift it, it's so heavy. Moe comes in and goes "Eyaah eyaah eyaah!" while he has Larry's nose scheduled to do a magic trick in his fist at the current time. 

BIKE MOVES DONE BY JOSEPH GORDON WILSON PHILLIPS IN THE PREVIEW:

1. Stomp180 - It's like that thing when you have to diss someone but the best way to do it is just by stomping hard on your front circle. After that, roll your eyes a full 180 degrees, backwards, so they know that they look like a real sloppy chump. More of a parlor trick than a bike move, but whatever!

2. Under/Over Water 'n Potatoes, Jr. - Self-explanatory.


3. The Crabby Hangman - Mid-spin nap attack! Get grumpy and loud near the end.


FAULTS:

This preview needs to watch Real World: Seattle and get back to me.

PLUS SIDES:

Pretty funny hit in the balls joke told by this girl.

Reverse Sister Act

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Take a deep knee bend after watching and let that preview settle on you like exploded vacuum cleaner dust. So, Hi this is a great preview for anyone who has ever loved a movie about choirs, which is most people, but it's also a great movie for cop/buddy comedy film fans. Dollbabies Parton is the secret star of this and Her Majesty Queen Tifah is also the star but villain quite possibly. She is channeling Ursula from Lil' Mermaid seems like.

It all started when the guy from the Final Destination 5 preview who has an answer for everything, the know-it-all, gets fresh with Dolly Parton.

Girl, I will kiss you if you let me

Get real, twink

And now here is where the plot starts.

Whoopi and Dolly are like two best friends just trying to work it out violently, to determine who be in charge of the most boring choir in the world.  

Clearly, the choir has good voices at the beginning, which made the writer for this movie forget about how plots work. So, all of the sudden the entire choir tromps onto a stage and everyone in the audience boos them relentlessly with their polite stares. The audience is like Huh?

Dolly then says allow me to introduce you to my boyfriend and grandson, Bruno Mars and his friends The Show Called Glee, respectively. Later on, Bruno Mars gets the Main Girl, Whoopi's son, pregnant. Now his name is Boner, from Growing Pains.

I got some serious hoop dreams for this sing song club, Main Girl.

 Those eyebrows look like smeared caterpillars.

What a cute couple!

Main Girl talks: “Mama, just give me a chance to marry my new boyfriend and I’ll show you how many talent contests I can win! I GOTTA FOLLOW MY DREAMS THAT I HAVE HAD FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS NOW!!!!” 

And Whoopi says, in lowercase...

“your daddy got eaten baby and i am not gonna let my only child get eaten!
you can’t marry that boy and you can’t go to hollywood.”

Main Girl goes... 

Awww, MOM

Boner, who can't plead his case to save his life, just goes...

Pleeeeeeease!

What a Dip Shit.

Hello. Dolly squeaks from the corner, “YOU CAN GO TO DOLLYWOOD THOUGH!”  

Golly goyful hoggie bombs!

Dolly says Hit it boys! over and over and she puts on her pointy Christmas tree lettuce hair and wraps her curtains around her. Then they sing a rap version of How Great Thou Art while she snaps at the air.

5 snaps makes a Z

There’s a cooking montage where Queeny and Dolly are throwing flour around and they both are reminiscing about both being in movies about hair salons together. Woof, sentence was tedious.

FAULTS: 

Ripley's Believe it or Not Elizabethan waist brings sadness to you. 

PLUS SIDES: 

This preview has a shit ton of songs.

Songs include michael jackson, and lady gaga and boyance and phil collins and too short and kidz bopz and now that’s what i call badonkie-bumps and all kinds of recent music that your kids will love for ever and ever.

Oprah got her wig split