This preview is based on a real true story called The Shoot ‘Em Up Windows.
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| Somehow |
Every window in this preview gets killed.
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| Fragged! |
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| Headshot! |
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| Pwnd! |
And truth is stranger than fiction, which you can tell by how many times it takes to watch this preview before understanding anything at all.
By 24 seconds in, MTV has taken over directing this preview. Lots of incredibly fast cuts so you don’t see how old everyone is or who anyone is or how all the characters are tied together.
Here comes Crank, a real Frank N. Stein, acting like a Classic Red Ass, natch. Fuggetaboutit.
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| Crankystein |
Robert Dinero plays a Focker again, since he knows his fans don’t care that he plays the same role in every movie preview, cause they dum-dums. Except in the Osmosis Jones preview where he plays a gay shark, and in the Flawless preview where he plays a flawless-looking Michael Caine with a lisp.
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| Focker w/gun, his natural state |
Finally Clive, the Hunk, steps in and says enough with the violence already! He is sitting at a conference table with all the other important white men, and they roll stray, high-caliber bullets around like checkers ‘n coins, which is a game old guys play when they’re bored at each other.
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| Checker mate. I'm bored. |
Crank, the idiot, plays Dinero’s son, and is threatening to steal Hunk’s job from him. Hunk is like, look fella, I kidnapped your grandpa Robert Dinero to teach you a lesson and basically I will end his life so crazily that you’ll have to glue his bones back together to make it look like a person again for the funeral photos. Then he sends him a reference photo of pureed tomato sauce to really get the point across, which rhymes.
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| Funeral jpeg |
Turkish shows up and starts talkin’ with marbles in his mouth. He says, “Hear viss numba alright and we’ve netta formidda INDA rivfffvvvvvvv rizza! bumma affidavit for this, yeah?”
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| Turkish |
Then punch punch punch, punch punch. Hunk points his gun everywhere, always as a gorgeous curl meanders lazily down the side of his indefectible face, and his sloppy mustache drips into his goddamn mouth.
Hunk splats some Karo syrup on Crank’s face, which is still perfectly 5 o’clock-shadowed from all the other previews he’s been in! Then Crank gets his butt all caught in a sticky chair...
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| ...Rubber prop sticky chair, seatless model... |
...before jumping out of a Movie Glass window without hesitation (killing it in the process),
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| Noob window! |
...as if he knows there’s a giant box truck placed conveniently underneath to take the chair off for him!
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| Frogger Fail |
Before the end of the preview happens, you’re like “Where's the money,” cause you knew this preview was missing the metal-briefcase-filled-with-stacks-of-bills thing, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.
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| Here it is. |
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| Text 909209 to vote for the winner! |
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