SLAP ATTACK

This Pre-Preview blog is now featuring pre-previews of EVENT TELEVISION and PILOTS and ALL TELEVISION that is able to be pre-previewed you’re welcome.

Watch this to understand pre-preview review:

The first installment of this new foray into the world of television is the effervescent drama of NBC’s Slap Attack. This is the set-up:

A bunch of helicopter parents have thrown their children into a whirlwind of laughter and anger, in what is often described as a backyard BBQ.  The premise of this preview is all about how the guy from Heroes and Star Track Movie is PISSED. His name is Zachary Quinto but in this show he goes by Slappery Quinto, for obvious raisins. Anyhow, Slappery is a regular, aggressive eyebrow-laden dude, trying to chill out on a gorgeous Saturday, and he gets mad enough to SLAP ATTACK a child right in the face.

Slap heard round the BBQ.

It starts with a moment where a monstrous drunk baby goes bonkers and knocks the head off of another child at the BBQ, with a baseball bat. The head goes rolling and rolling and rolling until it stops at the feet of The Slap Villain. Is he a baddie? Well thats what this movie tries to teach us, the corny viewer.

"I'll clean your clock right off your shoulders. No adult will ever stop me!!!" screamed the murderous child.

NOTE: The slap noise in this preview gets “in your face” about it. No pun intended. The sound of the SLAP is actually a gunshot noise that has been CGI manipulated to sound like a real slap that slaps your own face. It’s incredibly loud so you can hear it good. There were many conversations had about the sound of that slap, you know it.

Proof of CGI slap.

"High five? Nope. Slapping, which I learned from adults." said a child.

Um Thurman scores the role of a lifetime. She plays the wife of one of the main guys, I think who knows. Also, of course, who can forget Thandie Newton, who we all know and love. She fell asleep tragically during this preview.

"Do you guuuys have energy drinks herrrre....ZZzzzzzzzz."

It looks like the end of the preview just shows the whole bunch bout to have a courtroom drama. I dunno you tell me. I kinda love that shit lol im just kidding  

STARS
We give this preview 3.5 stars for being interesting and too loud of a slap noise.

The Addams Family

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Beetlejuice plays Barnaby Cullen, a ripoff of the character Ed Cullen from the Twilight miniseries, and The Ed Sullivan Show. Both those shows was also about witches and stuff, just like this one. 

John Depp rises from the gwave to create a smash hit of a preview named "The Addams Family." It's about time this important issue of 'pires made it to the silver screen again. It's been 45 days since anything was written or filmed about 'pires. This preview is all about how John Depp got turned into an umpire.

SAAAAAAAAFFE

When John wakes up from his little bed, Fred Krueger tells him it's, like, the 70s, man.

Trance Hell Vanilla 6-5000

Let's jump right into the jokes, and then move on to the real-feel of the 1970s vibe that you can expect to find here. For example, a 12 year old girl notices John acting like as if he has smoked a weed. She's a very brash woman and just comes right out with it: "lol what are you smoking, wacky taffy?" It's funny cause it ain't even got invented yet, the wacky taffy. Bill Wonka.

Oh, you fancy, huh?

Next of all, we can see that John's bangs have gotten curled across his forehead, 

shining brightly, and into the shape of several perfect, gleaming, yellow crescent 

rolls. His hairs look a little too Frank-N-Stein, which is a mixing of stories! 

Get your facts straight! Where's Myth Bursters when you need them lol.

Three bites and you're out.

John the Umpire decides to go rolling around his house with the witch that stole his life since he thought she seemed nice enough. They crash around the house, and into the set of That 70s Shoe. Lava lamps start flying around the room cause they are getting "turned on," which is one of several subtle jokes about lights being turned on. It really takes a seasoned comedic pallet to understand these references. It's like reading The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot. You might even want to bring that book with you into the theater. "Bring a book," raves Pre-Preview. 

PLUS SIDES:

Tom Burton is the director and lunchtime attendant for this hard-hitting, important film about an umpire learning the value of technology in the face of that brat the witch.

Girl got a nice tube

FAULTS:

Not enough "going into town" scenes in this preview. Would have liked to see him run into a "redneck" or a "bible humper." Golden opportunity missed!

The Learned Bunch

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Hi donkeys.

So anyway, this is a killer cast. All the men and women have returned to high school for another paycheck. The main guy is Brendan, and his girlfriend had a baby together it looks like. They make it shut up by bouncing. I dunno, I don't really get the joke here.

Wrong aspect ratio; do you guys care?

Smarty pants Jim with his smarty pants wife Willow are getting ready to have a scholarly adventure together. They go 2, how you say, back 2 school lol. Both are incredibly axcited to throw their kid in the trashcan and run out the door to experience all the embarrassment of high school again.

Nap Attack!

All the gang are going to be there, too! We got Fletch, Cindy, Gorba, Dempsey. Now here come Stiffers, Pie, The Mom, and So Much More. They all meet up and can't believe their eyes because at least one or two of them got married and some of them haven't.

You are missing two taste buds right here. 

The one guy named Stuffer goes to the beach party and stalks all the girls with his snake face and ends up trapping them in his basement. (Implied.)

Stiffers can't tell the difference between angry and happy.

Several hilarious guest stars appear including everyone's favorite the flute, Eugene Levis, Hard & Kumar, and Zero Black People. In this picture, they finally reveal exactly what fruits go into an American Pie. Hey guys, Highly Titular Moment!!! (Amber alert: It's pa-pie-ya! ;^)

Can't believe I'm 48-years-old.

Not all of the gang is happy though cause it turns out that The Dad Eugene Levis never even drank before. He gets so drunk that his eyebrows crawl off his face into his esophagus. The Mom has to give him a sexy CPR. Well, he was faking it the whole time, but she didn't know that! All of his internals filled with air so he had to be cut open.  "American Funeral" is the name of the DVD chapter, so just skip to that and you'll find out that someone accidentally has sex at the funeral with their eyes closed and then the light of day sheds upon the fact that it was the corpse the whole time and Stuffers' hair turns white and he can't talk anymore!

The camera pans up to the open casket and Eugene Levis is in there and he's got his eyes closed like he's dead. He pops his eyes open and says "Arrivederci!" in to the cam era like Mario. Pretty sad ending.

I died my eyebrowns.

PLUS SIDES:

There is not a moment of silence the entire time. No pauses in between words or jokes. Constant screaming fills other gaps.

BAD PART:

Uncredited guest star Anna Ferris comes out of the woodwork as Girl Bleeding From Throat.

Brade

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

I'm going to break character for a post here to say that we here at Pre-Preview enjoy making fun of the Typical Hollywood Trailer as well as the Typical Hollywood Movie. It's very easy. 

These days, it seems like only Coen Brothers movie trailers ever get me excited. Maybe a few others too, but few and far between. Trailers are a little sub-genre that I used to obsess over. Now I make fun of them.

Anyway, the new Flixstar movie coming in June, called Brade, had a new preview premiere online yesterday or today or whenever. It rules. It's actually so good. This is the way movie trailers should be.

Ocean Sky Scraper

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

The ocean, it turns out, is a pretty decent place to hide if you’re a massive alien mothership waiting patiently for Liam Neeson’s army buddy to come turn on your hull. 

On/Off toggle switch

Aliens often go to remote locations to get some shut eye, waiting out the agonizing eons that it takes for one hapless military team to finally come in and get killed for an hour and a half of screen time. 

"El Blanco, the main Tremor, is back and this time it's underwater" is the tagline

Generally speaking, aliens only attack humans when they are investigating. Remember in the preview called Alien when Sojourner Truth investigated the alien? She wanted it to just show its face from inside the chest cage and then Boom! Insides ripped into a star burst shape.

You can tell this preview is going to be loud by how many high tech gadgets and down periscopes there are. 

This preview is from Hasbro®, the same people who brought you Transformers® starring John Turturro. Hasbro is also a video game company from, like, the 80’s, and they had Frog Lady®, Lazy Hamburger®, and Eek Help Spike Oh No Molly® as part of their game repertoire back then. So you know this is probably going to be pretty good. Hasbro® also makes a good gummy bear that tastes like a Pink Pet®.

Liam Neeson plays a broken down, lonely old cop who is sponsoring an international war games tournament. During the ‘ment, the team from USA locates a skyscraper in the middle of the water, like no biggie. Everyone is totally freaked about it being there, and the military emails a bunch of design blogs about its odd architectural origin. This is all they came up with:

Soon alien airplanes start zipping around the sky, which are piloted by large housecats in Halo suits. The bad guys shoot their lasers at the Battleships and kill a couple. The USA can’t shoot back because the aliens have a big bubble surrounding them that deflects all their arrows. The bubble is made out of invisible fire that turns airplanes into scratch-off ticket debris. 

Rihanna fails to penetrate El Blanco's supple skin

 
Everyone realizes that their only hope is the Battleships inside the Matrix training bubble. They are equipped to blast music to intimidate the aliens probably. They play things like Stuck in the Middle With You by Steve Miller’s Band, and Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Alien Man by Arlo Guthrie. These songs really get them revved up to sink each others Battleship, which is a highly titular moment.



PLUS SIDES: 

This film is sponsored by Burt’s Bees.


FAULTS:

After the preview is a ten minute documentary about overfishing in the oceans starring Tim Tebow.  

  

Remembering Chandler

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

The interchangeable, run of the mill actor from the GI Joe preview stars in this show with the actress who was in Wedding Crashers and some other sad movies. She grew her hair out since she was a baby, so here it’s at the desired length she was going for, seems like.

Rachel McAdams

W.C. Fields

Anyway, these two are on a snow car adventure, and they stop in the middle of a Totally Dark Road at 3 am to sneak a kiss and hang out for an hour or two. Well, that’s when a dump truck crumples into their back seat and makes the girl’s head go a little bit bananas.

Saab Fail

The reveal where we first learn that she thinks Chandler Tatum is her doctor and not her husband will make you cry, but that's because you’re sitting right next to the onion bowl, you idiot. Her disease is called amnesia, and every character in every other movie has it too, so she’ll have a ton of support.

Not a ghost yet

Chandler fist fights with a lot of people in order to convince them to let him control her life. When he loses that court case the judge orders her ex-lover Randall be risen from the grave to take over longing for her. 

Rise from your Grave, altered beast

So, Randall teaches Chandler how to date his wife, and they actually have a really cute relation ship together. 

Ungh

Later on, they get into a staring contest and Chandler’s contact pops out after the contest ends because he gets socked in the eye bulb by Randall, the devil. Now Chandler can say Do you see what he did? to her while pointing to his eye, and she’ll choose HIM out of respect for taking the punch, I guess.  

"Take dat punch boyee"

FAULTS:

I spied Sam Neill from JP III in this preview. How come he dint have more words to say?



PLUS SIDES:

Lot of nice smiles in this preview instead of words.  

Adventures in Bro-bysitting

Directions: Pre-watch preview in order to understand preview review. 

Jonah Hill can’t talk his way outta this one! Even though he is a gifted talker/man child, this male babysitter constantly makes people go, “What are YOU talking bout!” in this classic Whodunit of Babysitting. 

Did you dun it?

The star of this joint flexes his acting muscles, finally, and really branches out. Later on during the football game, when the military commercial happens, he calls you a noob, lol. 

The plot go like this: the guy don't wanna answer mommy's cell phone, so she sends him up the river to an old ma'am's house, which turns out to be a loony bin for small people. 

Welcome to my bin, babe

He doesn't really unnerstand anything about these smaller people, and he really talks down to them like they're babies or something. This is when I figured out he was the bad guy. Spoiler event. Well, anyway, so these children though; at some point he tells a goth child that he bets she can’t make him drink perfumes. Guess what happens! She cuts his throat open and all the sins come out lol.

The guy will nearly kill these children during his own quest for love, turns out. But luckily, there are people named Jonas that will make sure your babies are laffing the whole time that they are almost murdered. Here are the scamps now.

William

Jefferson

Hillary

Jonsey gets a rude awakening several times throughout this movie. He keeps doing some serious double takes and going who???? WHOooo????? Then he falls asleep and SNORES so loud that the babies put cheerios down his throat to make a flute noise happen, and they push on his stomach to change notes. It’s a really moving piece of music that they compose. iTunes download $4.99.

Steep price but worth it.

Anyhoo! Jonahs cumber bun keeps flipping up and hitting him in the face in between unscripted-sounding charm. At the end, the parents go “So did you kids have fun tonight?” And the one kid starts barfing glitter all over the rug, and the girl has a neck tattoo of the night they just had.


FAULTS: 

This movie is awarding to bad behavior.


PLUS SIDES:  

Lots of moments.